- When you have a flask, every hour is happy hour.
- Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
- Never drink water – if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
- It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is. It’s always room-temperature.
- Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist.A He won’t expect it back.
- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
- Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
- Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
- Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
- Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you–Chinese Proverb
- You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
- Strangers have the best candy.
- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
- Keep smiling – it makes everyone wonder what you’re up to.
- There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel…just hope it’s NOT a train!
- If it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
- If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
- Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
- Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
- Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
- Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
- When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
- There’s nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
- He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
- Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
- I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
- Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
- Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
- We are the people our parents warned us about.
- Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
- What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
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